Happy Thanksgiving- weight loss surgery style

Thanksgiving used to be very different for me- I have honestly never been a fan of Thanksgiving dinner... I am not a huge fan of turkey, stuffing, sweet potatoes or cranberries. What I do love about Thanksgiving is the dessert (but NOT pumpkin pie), rolls, mashed potatoes and appetizers. It's always been the main focus for me... what will we have on hand for dessert and what will we eat before our actual meal? But this year was different... my main focus was the actual meal. I've learned to really like turkey... and all the wonderful veggie casserole dishes that come with the meal. Today I also made a salad which was so good. I was able to put a little stuffing and mashed potatoes on my plate- and they were both excellent... but for the first time ever my plate had more good stuff on it than bad stuff. And after dinner I had a reduced sugar brownie and a very small taste of Cate's mince meat pie... both small portions than the kids got.

So I know I say I have horrible eating habits, but maybe I don't give myself enough credit. I know I could be doing so much better than I am, but I need to recognize that I am doing remarkably well... considering one year ago I would have eaten 3 times as much (if not more) than I ate today. I also would have loaded up on regular soda the entire day too.

So I hope you've all had a healthy and happy Thanksgiving day... this was my first ever healthy Thanksgiving and it wasn't any less special than the years passed- which means food is no longer the center of my life like it used to be.

No more scale for me...

I'm finding myself way too upset about the rising numbers... so I'm done with the scale. I'm going to ask that my nurses and doctor not share with my my rising numbers as well. It just upsets me and I start to panic about whether or not I'm normal or whether or not I'm a complete failure in regards to my surgery. It's not worth it.

I started this pregnancy at 186... I got down to 174.6... today I was 185.6- which sent shock waves through my system. So I've gained 11 pounds in like 2 months???!!! Seriously? I've still got 4 months to go, and they say you gain the most at the end!!!

It's so insane to me because I was SO much heavier during my first pregnancy and I didn't care at all about weight gain... I don't even know how much I gained- it was a lot and way too much, but I didn't care.

I wish I had more to report... or more positives to report- but this is the hard part for me. I also know I need to start working on my eating habits. Maybe I wouldn't be gaining as much if I ate healthier. I just feel so stupid for letting myself get into some of these bad habits- but many of them were started because I was so nauseous and needed to eat anything my stomach could handle. Now I don't have that kind of excuse- now I'm just eating it because it's hard to give it up. Food is like crack- it's an addiction. And these addictions never fully go away- it's why recovering alcoholics can't have "just one drink"- because it's never just one... recovering food addicts should never do what I have done and start in on just one or two bad habits again (carbs and diet soda for instance)- granted, many of these bad habits are hardly at the level they used to be... they're quite manageable- but who's to say they'll stay that way? I mean, I got fat for a reason- my inability to control myself.

I think I need a therapist...

General updates... nothing too exciting

I don't have much to report... pregnancy is going well- I'm still concerned about how much I'm gaining, but I know I shouldn't be. And I guess my biggest concern is that I find myself having lack of self control when it comes to food and my cravings... which is exactly what I used to do pre-surgery. Once I had the surgery I was in such a good routine of healthy eating- and now it's like that was all thrown out the window. I don't eat horribly now, but it's certainly no good and it will need to change when the baby is born- if not sooner. I just fear that I will become one of those people you read about- you know, the ones who lose a lot of weight from the surgery and gain it all back because they were dumb?! It's enough to cause a mini-panic attack... but not enough to make me say no to the bowl of cereal in the middle of the night :(

The other day someone (who is pregnant and due a week BEFORE me) said to me, "Wow! You're showing a lot more than me!" Um, great... thanks! I wanted to run away and throw myself into my bowl of cereal. I'm really not doing too well with the weight gain to be honest- I hate seeing that scale go up- and I really hate people noticing my growing belly. I personally love my growing belly... I just wish no one else would notice it.

Enough complaining... Unnamed baby boy is doing great- he's kicking up a storm. Most days he just tumbles around in my tummy, stopping occasionally to get the hiccups and go to sleep. Today he enjoyed pouncing on my bladder and pelvis... what a strange feeling. He also lets me know when I'm sleeping in an uncomfortable position... He's quite the character already and it makes me laugh (most of the time).

Everything sounds good...

So I'm reading back on my blog- oh the days when nothing sounded good. Maybe I will gain a pound a week from here on out how I've been eating lately. Everything sounds good. I'm planning some cook ahead meals with my friends and every.single.meal they suggest sounds like heaven. And I'm always hungry... I think I ate dinner 3 times yesterday. My real dinner at 5ish, another light dinner around 7ish and then a bowl of tuna noodle casserole around 10. Thankfully each time I eat it's a small amount of food.

Still craving sweets... darn this baby boy. I thought boys were supposed to make you crave meats! This one is craving everything under the sun, especially if it's sweet... or taco bell.

Oh well... This post was inspired by the fact that it's 11 a.m. and I am more than ready for lunch!!!

A pound a week from here on out? No thanks

Ok, so I just got my weekly updated for this baby... and it said something about how most women have gained 10 lbs by this point and that I should expect to gain about a pound a week from here on out. So 20 pounds between now and March? I'd be almost 200 lbs again!!! I am not exaggerating when I say that thought makes me want to hyperventilate. I know at one point 200 lbs seemed like heaven to me... and trust me, I don't take that for granted. But I really do not want to be in the 200's again, ever.

Ok, panic attack over... kind of... not really.

A much better day...

Yesterday was rough... seriously rough. When I was walking into Target my knees gave out and I almost fell down- and then I almost ran into a moving u-haul truck because I could only focus on the pain in my legs. It was a really long day. I tried to keep moving- because the more I stayed still the more I would hurt when I'd get up. But when I'd move around too much I would hurt a lot too. It was a lose:lose situation.

Today I am a new woman. Thank God. My legs are still sore and my chest is also a bit sore... but nothing like yesterday. I am no longer wincing in pain when I sit down and I don't have a limp when I walk...

This is how I was the very first time I worked out with Sarah- which was almost 2 years ago. Funny thing is that I thought the workout was pretty easy-peasy. I wasn't drenched in sweat, I wasn't out of breath, etc... I knew I'd be sore the next day, but I really wasn't prepared for what I went through, LOL.

But this is a good lesson to all you post-op's or even any of you who are trying to lose weight- don't take these long breaks between workouts!!! It's NOT worth it! I know getting to the gym isn't easy... trust me. I should be going to the gym today, but I have no clue if I'm going to be able to motivate myself to do so. But I do know that if I don't go today I WILL go tomorrow. Going to the gym and/or having an exercise plan you do at home is one of the most important weight loss steps!

The next day...

I think I'm dying... last night driving to Damien's birthday dinner I said, "wow, I'm surprised I'm getting sore already!" Little did I know that that was just the beginning... as the night went on I got more and more sore but it was manageable, so I took some Tylenol a warm bath and went to bed. I woke up at 5 a.m. unable to move. Seriously. LOL. The unfortunate part was that Deacon was crying for me and daddy just wasn't cutting it. Getting out of bed took forever and putting on clothes took even longer... and then crawling into a twin sized bed with my rambuctous 3 year old was torture.

So here I sit at 8 a.m. with a sore butt, thighs and chest- my arms are a bit sore but nothing compared to the other 3 areas. The worst thing I could do is just sit around all day doing nothing- so I need to find ways to get up and walk around a bit more. We're off to Costco in a little bit so that might help- Costco makes everything better (especially when you've got coupons!)

WORKIN IT!

Oh my gosh I am so happy to report that I have had all restrictions lifted and I was able to go back to the gym for the first time in over two months!!! Seriously I was SO excited about this. But I made myself promise that I'd drink a protein drink before I worked out- it's a must to increase my protein and caloric intake if I'm going to be lifting and on the treadmill again. So this morning I woke up, ate a small breakfast and made myself a 42 gram protein drink- and was out the door by 7:30. I got on the treadmill for 15 minutes- level 3 incline at a speed of 3.2... pretty easy, but I didn't want to over do it. I had no clue what to expect from my body so I needed to do something I knew I could do. I now know I could handle a bit more so that's good to report. I then lifted for 35 minutes with Sarah and it was GREAT. My body responded really well to it, and we did a fairly simple circuit with everything but abs. My booty is going to be the most sore tomorrow- but that's always the case for me, my legs and butt get the most sore.

Anyways, I'm thrilled beyond belief to get back in the gym. I absolutely adore Sarah- especially because she's honest with me. She noticed right away that my arms are having some serious issues- which SUCKS because when I got pregnant I had gotten my arms to a really good point... and now they're flabbier than ever. But thankfully she's got a lot of hope that we can fix that if I work hard- which I will because I don't want flabby arms!!!

YAYYYYYY!!!

No need to worry!

After much research and talking to some friends and doctors I am no longer concerned about my gallbladder. It's a VERY common occurence during pregnancy and also common in people who have had gastric bypass... so two strikes against me. There isn't much they can do it about since I'm pregnant, so I'm not going to freak out about it. If the attacks keep happening with such severity (yesterday was HORRIBLE) I will call my primary care physician and see if we can do something about it... but until then my plan of attack is to just eat a relatively bland (HA!) and low fat diet- which is odd seeing as though I didn't eat a high in fat meal yesterday when my worst attack ever happened. A lot of websites also commented that it can happen when you eat too much... and that might have been a possibility yesterday. To be honest I really wasn't paying too much attention since I was in the middle of a program for work.

So that's that... we'll see what happens and pray that attacks like yesterday don't happen again!

Gall bladder issues...

So I think I'm having gall bladder attacks... I just googled the pain I'm dealing with and immediately I saw tons of sites on gall bladder issues. I've got all the symptoms. I just never knew what was wrong with me- I thought I was just going crazy. As unhappy as I am that something could be wrong with me, I'm always relieved when there is a reason for pain... that I'm not becoming a hypochondriac or a big baby.

Will call the surgeon in the morning... and the ob. Then I'll report back.

p.s. I really want a Kudos bar right about now...

Distorted thinking... among other things.

As you know from a previous post I'm having issues with my distorted thinking... one minute I'm feeling great about how I look and the next minute I think I'm looking more like a whale than a human being. These past few days I'm feeling overly bloated and overly fat... but I'm instantly amazed when I step on the scale and I'm DOWN in weight. It's beyond me. I've now lost a little over 10 lbs since I found out about the baby... and I'm at exactly 175- which is where I wanted to stop. Not that I feel like I have much control over that. The problem is that I'm not eating enough of the right foods- high in protein and high in calories. I need to get that figured out- but I think by the time I figure out how to eat right the baby will be here. All the wrong foods are sounding good and tasting good. As I type this my mouth is watering thinking of taco bell... and it's not even 10 a.m.! On top of it being too early to eat taco bell, taco bell really isn't the best meal choice. Why can't my body be craving grilled chicken breast with whole grain rice and a side of broccoli? Ick. I try every single night to eat a "good for me" type of meal... and every single night I end up on the couch feeling like I'm going to barf. Yet I can eat cereal, peanut butter sandwiches and granola bars and feel fine. This child has it in for me.

My only prayer is that when I have the baby I am able to go back to healthier eating habits.

Anyways, I can't complain (too much)- we're all healthy, and really that's all a mom can ever ask for.

Peanut Butter & Jelly

I'm addicted... I eat peanut butter and jelly more than I ever have in my life. It's pretty much one of my only sources of protein. Oh well, it's better than cookies, right?

I'm feeling much better about myself... mainly because of all the compliments I'm receiving about how great I look, LOL. It sounds so self centered and shallow, but I'm being honest. I went to a support group on Monday and the guest speaker was a plastic surgeon... as he went around the room and asked how much we had each lost he would ask certain people if they were done. I realized he was only asking this of the people who looked like they could be done- and he asked me!!! It made my night, LOL. I'm definitely getting a pregnant pooch- and it's making me feel a lot better to know that the only place that's growing is my belly.

I'm almost positive I'm eating enough calories during the day- though I do have my off days... I definitely still don't feel 100% myself. I'm more tired than normal and many foods and smells can send me over the edge with nausea. But one thing is for certain- I love peanut butter and jelly... and cereal- both things I will need to quit once I'm done breastfeeding and back on track to lose the rest of my weight!!!

I'm not sure what ever gave me the idea to blog this late at night- I had every intention of a great update... but no such luck, I'm half asleep and can hardly think straight. Not a good way to blog.

Fat

It's how I feel. Fat. My stomach is sticking out and it's flabby. I haven't been to the gym in about 2 months. I have no energy ever and I'm eating shitty foods with minimal traces of protein all day long. But the worst part is that I just feel fat. The scale is officially done going down I think... I know I said I didn't want it to go down anymore, but it's a really hard realization for me that it is officially going to stand still or even start going up soon. I know it's going to be really hard for me to see the 180's again and God forbid I end up seeing the 190's... I don't want to be that close to 200 again. I've worked so hard to get where I am and as stupid as it sounds, those high numbers literally scare me. They scare me because under non-pregnancy circumstances the raising numbers mean failure... and I know I'm not a failure, but I'm terrified that once those numbers go up they won't come back down. The worst part is that I'm at that annoying pregnancy stage where I just look fatter around the middle. I don't look pregnant... thankfully everyone who knows me knows that I'm pregnant- or else they would be wondering how many brownies I've been letting myself eat lately. Those who don't know me probably just think I have a beer belly.

The nausea is subsiding ever so slightly, but the past couple of days I've just felt really weak with a headache and tummy issues... it's not the same as the morning sickness nausea though. I really think it's a sign that I *need* to start finding a way to eat healthier and live a healthier day to day lifestyle.

More than anything I do need to force myself to get more protein and calories in because I start going back to the gym on Tuesday. I'm not pushing myself... if I feel sick, I'll stop. Lord knows on a day like today I wouldn't have eaten enough calories to allow myself more than a 5 minute workout.

Anyways, I'm just having a huge pity party for myself and my growing belly tonight...

I'm SO hungry

... but nothing sounds good. Ok, that's a lie, there are a few things that sound good, but most of them involve spending money- for the past week all I want is Olive Garden soup and salad... which is relatively inexpensive since they do the unlimited soup, salad and breadsticks for $6.99- but that adds up!!! Thank God for the internet- I found a recipe for their soup online and Damien kindly made it for me- to be ready for dinner tonight! Hopefully it's as good as the real deal...

I'm currently surviving on Cheerios, Special K (vanilla & almond), a few cheese sticks, and Shredded Wheat. Occasionally I'll branch out and have something else- but most of the time it just gets me sick. I'm laying here horrified at my diet, but I am seriously trying hard to eat more. The only things that sound good are carbs... when I don't want cereal I want another carb- and normally it's what sits better with me too. We had meatloaf for dinner last night and I felt so disgusting after about 4-5 bites. So I ate some tostitos w/cream cheese and salsa. Ugh.

The problem isn't that I'm not hungry... I'm starving. I'm laying here wanting something to eat- my stomach is growling, but I cannot think of a single thing other than cereal that I want to eat. Maybe some more chips, salsa & cream cheese.

The other bummer is that my protein drinks now make me gag... The only liquids I can get in without feeling sick- water & milk from my cereal. If I add any crystal lite to the drink I'm going to feel sick... and Lord knows adding the protein isn't going to help.

I called my surgeon this morning because I need to figure out how much protein I really need to be forcing myself to eat... she's in surgery all day today so hopefully I'll hear from her tomorrow.

I'm really hoping that all this passes as I enter into my second trimester (can you believe I'm already almost out of the first trimester!!!)... with Deacon, at least, I felt signfiicantly better around 12-13 weeks. But with Deacon I craved protein (and orange juice)...

Oh well, I really have very little room to complain. I'm feeling good otherwise and the baby is doing well. Compared to some women who spend their days throwing up, I'm doing wonderfuly.

I've now lost a little over 6 lbs since we found out about the baby... When I first got pregnant I made a goal for myself not to go below 175- and I'm currently at 177.2. I'm hoping to not lose anymore weight than this, but I'm ok as long as I stay above 175. Once I hit that mark I'm really going to have to figure something out with my nutritionist... I don't think I need to lose much more weight than this.

Well that's all for now- check out my other blog for pictures of the little baby... http://365amanda.blogspot.com

Some updates

Things are going well on my end... I'm a touch nauseous from time to time and that's really prohibitive when it comes to eating. The problem isn't so much that I don't *want* to eat it's just that I can't find anything that sounds good. My "typical" meals aren't sounding very good and most of the time I just want to eat a PB&J sandwich. I'm keeping up with my protein drinks- but even those are getting gross to me... I just ordered a bunch of new ones and I'm hoping that helps significantly.

I've lost about 3 lbs since I found out about the baby... which is pretty good I think. I'm not trying to lose weight, so 3 lbs seems like a low enough number to me. I'm really trying hard to keep up with the 2000 calorie a day diet- and I'm hoping that now that we're home from vacation that will be a bit easier- there was lots of food to chose from while in Ohio, but I was so busy I could never keep up with the calorie count.

All in all things are going well. I feel the same as I did with Deacon- exhausted and motion sick. It's all fine with me as long as we're all healthy.