Today was a good day

First I need to say that what I'm about to write is actually really hard for me. This entire time I've told you all how much I've lost and I've shown you a picture of my "before."- but I've never posted my weight or what size clothes I wear. It's something I'm actually really embarrassed about- but no matter how hard I try, it is impossible to tell the story I want to tell without detailing my size. So here goes...

A week ago I ordered a skirt on oldnavy.com in a size 20... I got it yesterday and it was really way too big on me. Not just "kind of" too big- way too big. I was SO excited because this meant that I was in a size 20 pant size- I've always been one size smaller with skirts than pants. So I went to the actual store today to exchange it for a size 18. While I was in the store I got a size 18 skirt and a ton of pants in a size 20. I was like a kid in a candy store- I haven't shopped in a non-plus sized store in YEARS. I got to the dressing room and I started my typical dressing room prayer, "God, please let something fit... please." So I tried on the skirts- perfect fit! Hooray! Next I tried on a size 20 jeans... they didn't fit.

THEY WERE TOO BIG!!! TOO FLIPPING BIG!!!

So not only am I able to shop at Old Navy, I'm able to buy one size smaller than their biggest size. For all you heavy people, you KNOW this is a big deal. It's always exciting to know you're not the heaviest size they accommodate.

It was a GREAT feeling. I cried in the dressing room. Sat down and cried. I wanted to call someone in the dressing room, but decided that would be really weird for anyone who could hear my phone call. So I had a moment to myself... and went back into the store and got tons more clothes.

Thankfully I'm in a huge frugal mode right now- I left the store with a very modest amount of new (and VERY needed) clothes.

(and trust me, I'm very much in need of new clothes)

Today was a good day. (cue the Ice Cube music)

Some pictures...

Thought you'd all be interested to see some progress :)
Picture #1 taken the day before surgery
Picture #2 taken yesterday

2 months...

I cannot believe it's been over two months. Seriously it amazes me. Life has gotten so much easier over the past month- and I feel somewhat normal most of the time.

Yesterday Oprah did a show on teens and weight loss surgery. Oprah is clearly against having surgery of any kind to treat obesity- and that frustrates me to no end. In every single show she does about WLS (weight loss surgery) she talks about all the negatives- and doesn't focus on the positives. Now, I am all for telling people like it is- I have no problems telling people what sucks about this surgery, what I don't like about this surgery, etc... However, I feel that is important that we include the whole picture in our story telling. Not all WLS patients suffer from addiction transfer (transferring food addiction to another addiction- like alcohol). Oprah also seems to think that all WLS patients forgo a psychological evaluation and ignore any and all psychological issues that caused them to get fat in the first place- but she seems to always ignore this with people who lose weight "on their own" (as if they miraculously are healed of all psychological issues because they did not have surgery). And that's another grievance... the implication that those who have WLS are not doing it "on their own," or are taking the "easy way out." Nothing bothers me more than those two statements... as if this surgery is doing all the work for me. As if I get up in the morning and my food choices are miraculously made for me because I have had this surgery. Last I checked this surgery didn't come with a live-in cook and nutritionist- or maybe my insurance just sucks.

Anyways, I could go on and on about Oprah and her misinformed views on WLS... but I won't.

So back to me...

On Oprah her cameras followed around a boy (17 years old) having WLS- and the cameras were there on him when he woke up from recovery. For some reason that picture of him laying there really touched me. I was instantly taken back to the first moments I remember after waking up in the hospital. I thought to myself, "oh my gosh, I really did it..." And then I thanked God for letting me live... and then I thought again, "oh my gosh, I really did it." I never, in a million years, thought I would follow through with it. The entire time I was preparing for the surgery I kept telling myself that it wasn't too late to back out- even the morning of my surgery I was thinking about saying, "No thanks." I woke up from that surgery terrified... I had really done it. I woke up really sick and I'm sure that didn't help my feelings of panic. The nurse had to constantly remind me to breath and I hurt... but I was just so thankful to be alive. All I remember was how nauseas and tired I was... so nauseas.

The first week was the hardest- I went through a huge carb withdraw. I was miserable. I should have detoxed myself from carbs well before this surgery. I remember the first week I would just be so upset when my mom, Damien and Deacon would eat around me... I was so "hungry"- at least I thought I was. Thankfully that first month flew by and things got easier day by day.

This second month has been all about perfecting my routine... learning when I should drink my protein, knowing how much protein I need to feel my best, what foods my body likes best, etc... I am no longer as obsessed with what I can't have anymore. I sure do miss certain foods/drinks, but honestly it doesn't overcome me like it did the first month. I'm at a point now where I know that in due time I can have a taste of whatever I want... and I'm also at a point where I realize that there is much more to life than food.

Protein crisis solved (for now at least)

I just sold the containers of protein I don't like...

Before my surgery I found a message board dedicated to weight loss surgery patients... it's a plethora of information and an overall great community. The other night I posted my frustration and someone said they would be interested in purchasing my unwanted protein. Whew!

This still doesn't solve the overall problem that exists, but at least I got some money back :)

My grievance with protein drinks...

The saga continues...

My current frustration is that you cannot buy samples of everything. So I go to the store and I want to buy something new... so I did. I get it home and I really don't like it that much. But I can't return it! And no one will buy a opened canister of protein mix from me. So I have to either suck it up (which I'm choosing to do) or throw it away (essentially throwing away $35).

Jerks.

About to hit my first goal...

My first goal was 40 lbs in 2 months. Sunday will be exactly two months and I am SO close to hitting that 40 mark. I've got two more days of going to the gym so I'm thinking that should get me there... let's hope!

My next goal is WAY too lofty and I don't plan to make it... but I wanted to have lost 50 lbs by my 2 month check up which is Feb.12. I'm not too sure I can do that- but it's worth a try.

I'm feeling great and doing great. I occasionally make a bad food choice and get myself a bit too sick- it's not like candy or sweets or anything like that, it's just that I've eaten too much or I've eaten too fast. Thankfully I've never gotten really sick (::knocks on wood::).

If I'm feeling up to it, I might post some before and during pictures sometime this week... they're embarrassing but amazing to see. Even the picture I took 2 weeks after surgery looks significantly different. We'll see. I might wait until I've lost 50 to post my first official pictures.

Unfortunately I'm sick with some type of throat illness (I've got no voice and my throat hurts) so I'm going to go back and lay down...