Fat

It's how I feel. Fat. My stomach is sticking out and it's flabby. I haven't been to the gym in about 2 months. I have no energy ever and I'm eating shitty foods with minimal traces of protein all day long. But the worst part is that I just feel fat. The scale is officially done going down I think... I know I said I didn't want it to go down anymore, but it's a really hard realization for me that it is officially going to stand still or even start going up soon. I know it's going to be really hard for me to see the 180's again and God forbid I end up seeing the 190's... I don't want to be that close to 200 again. I've worked so hard to get where I am and as stupid as it sounds, those high numbers literally scare me. They scare me because under non-pregnancy circumstances the raising numbers mean failure... and I know I'm not a failure, but I'm terrified that once those numbers go up they won't come back down. The worst part is that I'm at that annoying pregnancy stage where I just look fatter around the middle. I don't look pregnant... thankfully everyone who knows me knows that I'm pregnant- or else they would be wondering how many brownies I've been letting myself eat lately. Those who don't know me probably just think I have a beer belly.

The nausea is subsiding ever so slightly, but the past couple of days I've just felt really weak with a headache and tummy issues... it's not the same as the morning sickness nausea though. I really think it's a sign that I *need* to start finding a way to eat healthier and live a healthier day to day lifestyle.

More than anything I do need to force myself to get more protein and calories in because I start going back to the gym on Tuesday. I'm not pushing myself... if I feel sick, I'll stop. Lord knows on a day like today I wouldn't have eaten enough calories to allow myself more than a 5 minute workout.

Anyways, I'm just having a huge pity party for myself and my growing belly tonight...

I'm SO hungry

... but nothing sounds good. Ok, that's a lie, there are a few things that sound good, but most of them involve spending money- for the past week all I want is Olive Garden soup and salad... which is relatively inexpensive since they do the unlimited soup, salad and breadsticks for $6.99- but that adds up!!! Thank God for the internet- I found a recipe for their soup online and Damien kindly made it for me- to be ready for dinner tonight! Hopefully it's as good as the real deal...

I'm currently surviving on Cheerios, Special K (vanilla & almond), a few cheese sticks, and Shredded Wheat. Occasionally I'll branch out and have something else- but most of the time it just gets me sick. I'm laying here horrified at my diet, but I am seriously trying hard to eat more. The only things that sound good are carbs... when I don't want cereal I want another carb- and normally it's what sits better with me too. We had meatloaf for dinner last night and I felt so disgusting after about 4-5 bites. So I ate some tostitos w/cream cheese and salsa. Ugh.

The problem isn't that I'm not hungry... I'm starving. I'm laying here wanting something to eat- my stomach is growling, but I cannot think of a single thing other than cereal that I want to eat. Maybe some more chips, salsa & cream cheese.

The other bummer is that my protein drinks now make me gag... The only liquids I can get in without feeling sick- water & milk from my cereal. If I add any crystal lite to the drink I'm going to feel sick... and Lord knows adding the protein isn't going to help.

I called my surgeon this morning because I need to figure out how much protein I really need to be forcing myself to eat... she's in surgery all day today so hopefully I'll hear from her tomorrow.

I'm really hoping that all this passes as I enter into my second trimester (can you believe I'm already almost out of the first trimester!!!)... with Deacon, at least, I felt signfiicantly better around 12-13 weeks. But with Deacon I craved protein (and orange juice)...

Oh well, I really have very little room to complain. I'm feeling good otherwise and the baby is doing well. Compared to some women who spend their days throwing up, I'm doing wonderfuly.

I've now lost a little over 6 lbs since we found out about the baby... When I first got pregnant I made a goal for myself not to go below 175- and I'm currently at 177.2. I'm hoping to not lose anymore weight than this, but I'm ok as long as I stay above 175. Once I hit that mark I'm really going to have to figure something out with my nutritionist... I don't think I need to lose much more weight than this.

Well that's all for now- check out my other blog for pictures of the little baby... http://365amanda.blogspot.com

Some updates

Things are going well on my end... I'm a touch nauseous from time to time and that's really prohibitive when it comes to eating. The problem isn't so much that I don't *want* to eat it's just that I can't find anything that sounds good. My "typical" meals aren't sounding very good and most of the time I just want to eat a PB&J sandwich. I'm keeping up with my protein drinks- but even those are getting gross to me... I just ordered a bunch of new ones and I'm hoping that helps significantly.

I've lost about 3 lbs since I found out about the baby... which is pretty good I think. I'm not trying to lose weight, so 3 lbs seems like a low enough number to me. I'm really trying hard to keep up with the 2000 calorie a day diet- and I'm hoping that now that we're home from vacation that will be a bit easier- there was lots of food to chose from while in Ohio, but I was so busy I could never keep up with the calorie count.

All in all things are going well. I feel the same as I did with Deacon- exhausted and motion sick. It's all fine with me as long as we're all healthy.

Um, change of plans...

I've been wanting to type this blog for a while now... and in reality, I'm going to type it all out and not even publish it right away because it's just not time for everyone to know yet.

I'm pregnant... and it was all on our own. Deacon was conceived via fertility treatments and last year I had a miscarriage from an IVF cycle. In between Deacon's birth and that IVF cycle I had 2 other early miscarriages. My body really isn't all that into reproducing.

So last week when my period was due I started spotting- I figured that was my period. 4 days later the spotting hadn't gotten any worse so it had me curious- I've heard of plenty of women who spot early on in pregnancy. But no, that couldn't be me. First of all, I'm reproductively challenged, second of all, Damien and I were careful this month about our timing (yes, I know, I'm getting pretty detailed... oh well). Around 9:00 p.m. I finally convinced myself to stop worrying and go buy a pregnancy test... which I really hated to do since they cost an arm and a leg. So $15 later I'm home with two pregnancy tests. Damien and I were watching our favorite summer reality show (So you think you can dance) and I got up in the middle of it to take the test. I peed and immediately saw a second line... ummmmm... I was seeing things, right? Right. So I went back to my show. 5 minutes later went back to check- yep, there's that line. I don't think I'm making it up. I call Damien- he see's it too. I call Dawn and send her a picture online, she sees it too (and in the process makes fun of my ridiculous picture I took holding the pregnancy test).

Long story short, I actually am pregnant... after blood work and an ultrasound to confirm it, I do have a little life growing inside of me.

So why am I posting about this on this blog? It seems like it would be more appropriate on my family blog. Well, not really. The problem with this pregnancy is that I shouldn't be pregnant. I was supposed to wait until 18 months after my surgery to get pregnant... and it's only been about 7 months.

What does this mean for me? First of all, anything is possible- and if I take care of myself and the baby everything will be fine. But I need to do a lot to keep everything working right- take all my vitamins religiously, get in my 100 grams of protein a day, drink all my water and most of all, up my caloric intake. That's the hard part- more calories.

I know I'm going to be fine and I know the baby is going to be fine... because I plan to do WHATEVER I'm told to do by my ob and my surgeon. There is nothing I won't do.

So for the next 9 months you won't be hearing too much about rapid weight loss (ok, who am I kidding... it's never been RAPID weight loss anyways, LOL) or obtaining my weight loss and fitness goals- but rather you'll hear what it's like to be pregnant after WLS.

I'm so excited to go through this pregnancy. I was VERY unhealthy when I was pregnant with Deacon and weighed about 50 lbs more than I do now when I got pregnant with him- so I'm very pleased to be where I am now.

A new goal...

So I have a new weight goal... I went to see my surgeon yesterday and she thought my goal was too skinny. I have based my goal on what those nifty little charts always say your weight should be for your specific height- she told me I was stupid. Ok, she didn't call me stupid... but she did ask who I thought wrote those guidelines and I said, "I don't know. The experts!" HA! Anyways, she wants my goal to be 160 and thinks that's a good weight for me. Originally I thought 145. I'm thinking we should compromise and go with 155... but I figure if I'm willing to listen to the "online experts" for so long the least I could do is entertain her 160 goal until I'm there and re-assess the situation then.

So that's my goal. 160. I will say that it's exciting to see my ticker say that I "only" have about 23 pounds left to lose.

I'M NOT OBESE!!!

I'M NOT OBESE ANYMORE!!! I am officially just OVERWEIGHT!!!

I never thought I'd be so excited about being overweight. LOL.

In all seriousness, this is really exciting for me. When I started my weight loss journey almost two years ago I was considered morbidly obese... and I was still considered morbidly obese when I had my surgery. And now I'm just overweight... and in 30 lbs my BMI will be considered "normal." 7 months ago when I had my surgery I had 122 lbs to lose. It seemed so unbelievably unobtainable. How does someone lose 122 lbs? That's like an entire person (well, ok, an entire skinny and petite person who probably could eat a brownie or two).

Everyday I amaze myself. I have NEVER been so amazed with myself- I love who I am. I know I keep saying that, but I can't get over it. It's weird to go from a place of self-hate to self-love. That transformation is very surreal and it's kind of happened overnight.

Anyways, I'm just quite pleased with my new BMI status as you can probably tell :)

THANK YOU

From the bottom of my heart- thank you all so much for the compliments, well wishes, comments, etc... I cannot even begin to tell you how much they mean to me.

8 months ago I could not even look at myself in a mirror, let alone take a picture and love what I saw. 8 months ago I took a picture with my son and the only reason I didn't delete it was because I knew I needed to have some memories of me with him as a 2 year old... but I hated how I looked. I was so unhappy. I'm such a different person today and I'm so happy- not just because I look better but because I feel better. I FEEL like a different person.

But anyways, thank you, again, for all your love and support- I was so worried about people judging me for having this surgery and no one has. I have received absolutely no negativity. And what I love is that those of you who were skeptical didn't judge- you just asked questions and made sure I was taking care of myself- and for that I am so grateful.

Almost 100 lbs later...

Since my surgery I've lost more than 80, but since I started losing weight I've lost close to 100 lbs (6 lbs away today). These two pictures are of me at my highest non-pregnancy weight and me at my lowest weight in almost 10 years. Below are more pictures.

7 months later...

Picture overload time... These pictures were all taken 7 months apart. I have now lost over 80 lbs since my surgery. In 6 more lbs I will have lost 100 lbs since my highest non-pregnancy weight. I am absolutely amazed.

Long time no updates...

So the weight is still coming off slowly, but I am happy with the fact that my body fat percentage is going down faster than my weight seems to be. For the first time in my life I feel muscles in my arms and my legs... it's kind of amazing. I came to this epiphany a while ago that I'm really ok not losing really fast anymore. Why? Because I finally know and completely understand that this is not a race. I've said it before, but this time I know what it means. I've hit so many milestones lately that I hardly have time to realize that I'm not losing much.

First of all, it's been a long time goal of mine to run a 10 minute mile. As of yesterday I can run .96 miles in 10 minutes- I'm so close!!! But even cooler than that is that I am able to run for that entire 10 minutes. I have *never* in my life been able to do that. I'm so proud of myself- I try to be modest about it, but I could scream it from the roof tops that this fat girl is finally getting in shape.

My workouts with Sarah are getting a lot harder... which I have always taken as a compliment- she believes I can work harder than I am. I no longer look like such an idiot on the weights floor. Yesterday I was doing a bicep curl with 12 lb weights... and the guy next to me was using 32.5 pound weights. I had to laugh... here I am proud of my little 12 lb weights and this guy next to me more than doubles it, LOL. I've got a long way to go, but considering I started with 3 lb weights, I'm happy with where I am. I feel like every time I come home from working out with Sarah I tell Damien about a new and near impossible set she's made me do... he amuses me and tells me how amazed he is and how great I look :)

I still miss eating. Sure, I am able to eat most anything I want now... but what I miss is the emotional eating- you know, the kind of eating you're not supposed to do. Just the other day I was stressed at work and all I could think about was a coke and a candy bar... and then I just started thinking about how 7-8 months ago I would not have thought twice about going and eating just that. How disgusting. I can now look back on my old eating habits with such disgust- which is a good thing. But it doesn't mean I don't miss it from time to time. I still miss soda more than I miss anything else. Soda is such a powerful addiction and I'm happy to have given it up, but man, it's rough. The other day on the airplane I was near tears because all I wanted was a coke or ginger ale to help my nausea... but instead I ordered a cup of ice and prayed that flight would go quickly.

Anyways, overall I'm doing great... I feel great. I'm really proud of myself. It's been a long time since I've been so proud of myself. I love the person I have become over the past few months and I love being healthier.

Couple more :)

Since the day before my surgery I've also been taking pictures from our web cam to get a good shot of my face... so the top picture is two days before the surgery and the bottom picture is today.

A few new pictures...

Wow... I have a really hard time posting these pictures because I'm so mortified with my "before" pictures. I just can't even believe it's me... The two "after" pictures were taken today- down 64 lbs.

(love the outfit too, huh?)

OVER HALF WAY THERE!!!

It took me a month to do it, but I'm half way there!!! This month has been very stressful for me- Deacon has been sick and work is really busy... I've also gotten very little sleep. I've been reading a ton of studies that say that stress and lack of sleep will prevent you from losing weight- and I think I'm a perfect example of that. I've been eating right and exercising at least 4 days a week (mostly 5 days)... but getting very little sleep. I see all this changing very soon as Deacon has been healthy for a couple of days now and work slows down after Friday.

We joined a new gym- California Family Fitness. I was really excited about this gym at first, but when I went I realized that all the equipment was different than what I'm used to... and the equipment isn't as good. It's all new, but it's not as good as the stuff at Gold's Gym. I was really down about this for a while, but promised myself that I would go for a month and try it out... I'm finally getting used to it, but I still would prefer to workout at Gold's. We joined CFF because they are much more family friendly- which is what we need. I need to feel comfortable taking Deacon to the childcare room. Plus, CFF has 3 pools... Gold's has none. With our membership we can go to the pool as often as we want- and they have a kids splash zone which is SO neat (has slides and other playground equipment for the kids in the water). I wish I could keep my membership at Gold's and at CFF... but that's a bit pricey.

Anyways, all is good... I'm very happy to be over half way there. There is so much that I love about having lost all this weight:

• my workouts are MUCH more productive
• I can jog much longer than I could before... I'm up to being able to jog for 5 minutes straight- a HUGE deal for me
• I can now shop in the regular sized section of Target... this is a big deal because I used to only be able to shop at Lane Bryant- and their clothes are hecka expensive! I was thrilled to pieces when I could go to Target and buy a t-shirt for $5... it's something I haven't been able to do in years

There are tons more, but those are the 3 things that are exciting me the most right now. I'm very grateful for this surgery and think that it was the smartest thing I have ever done.

Almost half way there...

I'm 8 lbs away from being half way there!!! LOL.

I've been dealing with a bit of a stall the past 3 weeks and I think I've finally overcome that hurdle. Thank God. This is what they don't warn you about- that you won't constantly lose weight. I mean, seriously- I *was* expecting miracles after this surgery and I think a lot of my expectations were very unrealistic. Thankfully I've been able to talk to plenty of people to know that I'm normal with my weight loss. And even better yet, I've learned to have much more realistic expectations of myself.

Things seem so much more obtainable now...

When I first started I looked at the amount of weight I had to lose and thought how impossible that seemed. 122 lbs is a LOT of weight. Duh. How in the world was I going to lose that? That's when I began looking into gastric bypass surgery... I knew that the best way to get to my goal was this surgery- especially after I did my research.

Here I am, 3 months out, and I need to lose 70 more lbs. SO much more obtainable, IMO. It's amazing because had I "just" needed to lose 70 lbs in the first place, I wouldn't have had surgery. I would have had a long road ahead of me, because 70 lbs is a lot, but it doesn't sound impossible. I know to a lot of people this seems like so much weight, but to someone who has been so heavy for so long, 70 more lbs seems heavenly to me.

I am now on month 4 and I feel great. Frustrating days are few and far between. My body can handle almost any healthy food I try- which is great because some people have a hard time with certain foods. I've been so lucky with how well my body has adjusted to all of this. Because I am such a picky eater I do have a hard time with my no carb lifestyle- but it's so much easier than it was a month ago.

As I said a month ago, I still really miss soda. I have no clue why this is the one thing that has been really hard... I am still really craving a coke and I'm hoping this craving goes away soon because it's driving me a bit batty.

Oh, and it's Girl Scout Cookie time... oh my gosh this has been HUGE for me resisting the temptation to buy a box at the grocery store. First of all, it's hard enough to say no to the cookies, but secondly, it's really hard to say no to these adorable little girls. This Sunday I almost bought a box because I felt so guilty saying no. But I can't buy a box because I know myself and I know I would eat the cookies- because the cookies are so small my body could handle one at a time. But I know myself too well- I wouldn't just eat one a day. I would eat one every couple of hours! LOL. So no cookies in this house.

Another exciting development... When I first started exercising I was determined to get better at running. I started off running a 20 minute mile and am now down to a 12:45 minute mile!!! I know it's still a slow mile but I'm so excited that I've progressed so much. I've also been working with a personal trainer who has increasingly made my workouts a lot harder- which is great because by doing this she trusts my body can now handle it. As much as the harder workouts drive me crazy, I am so proud of myself for even having someone trust that I can do them- and that motivates me more than anything. I no longer feel like the fattest person at the gym and I am so much more confident... which is SO nice.

Anyways, I feel really fortunate to have made it this far with no complications (::knocks on wood::). I am also very happy with how healthy Damien and I have become through this process. We look at food very differently now than we ever have- and hopefully because of this we can teach Deacon healthy eating habits as well.