Fat

It's how I feel. Fat. My stomach is sticking out and it's flabby. I haven't been to the gym in about 2 months. I have no energy ever and I'm eating shitty foods with minimal traces of protein all day long. But the worst part is that I just feel fat. The scale is officially done going down I think... I know I said I didn't want it to go down anymore, but it's a really hard realization for me that it is officially going to stand still or even start going up soon. I know it's going to be really hard for me to see the 180's again and God forbid I end up seeing the 190's... I don't want to be that close to 200 again. I've worked so hard to get where I am and as stupid as it sounds, those high numbers literally scare me. They scare me because under non-pregnancy circumstances the raising numbers mean failure... and I know I'm not a failure, but I'm terrified that once those numbers go up they won't come back down. The worst part is that I'm at that annoying pregnancy stage where I just look fatter around the middle. I don't look pregnant... thankfully everyone who knows me knows that I'm pregnant- or else they would be wondering how many brownies I've been letting myself eat lately. Those who don't know me probably just think I have a beer belly.

The nausea is subsiding ever so slightly, but the past couple of days I've just felt really weak with a headache and tummy issues... it's not the same as the morning sickness nausea though. I really think it's a sign that I *need* to start finding a way to eat healthier and live a healthier day to day lifestyle.

More than anything I do need to force myself to get more protein and calories in because I start going back to the gym on Tuesday. I'm not pushing myself... if I feel sick, I'll stop. Lord knows on a day like today I wouldn't have eaten enough calories to allow myself more than a 5 minute workout.

Anyways, I'm just having a huge pity party for myself and my growing belly tonight...

I'm SO hungry

... but nothing sounds good. Ok, that's a lie, there are a few things that sound good, but most of them involve spending money- for the past week all I want is Olive Garden soup and salad... which is relatively inexpensive since they do the unlimited soup, salad and breadsticks for $6.99- but that adds up!!! Thank God for the internet- I found a recipe for their soup online and Damien kindly made it for me- to be ready for dinner tonight! Hopefully it's as good as the real deal...

I'm currently surviving on Cheerios, Special K (vanilla & almond), a few cheese sticks, and Shredded Wheat. Occasionally I'll branch out and have something else- but most of the time it just gets me sick. I'm laying here horrified at my diet, but I am seriously trying hard to eat more. The only things that sound good are carbs... when I don't want cereal I want another carb- and normally it's what sits better with me too. We had meatloaf for dinner last night and I felt so disgusting after about 4-5 bites. So I ate some tostitos w/cream cheese and salsa. Ugh.

The problem isn't that I'm not hungry... I'm starving. I'm laying here wanting something to eat- my stomach is growling, but I cannot think of a single thing other than cereal that I want to eat. Maybe some more chips, salsa & cream cheese.

The other bummer is that my protein drinks now make me gag... The only liquids I can get in without feeling sick- water & milk from my cereal. If I add any crystal lite to the drink I'm going to feel sick... and Lord knows adding the protein isn't going to help.

I called my surgeon this morning because I need to figure out how much protein I really need to be forcing myself to eat... she's in surgery all day today so hopefully I'll hear from her tomorrow.

I'm really hoping that all this passes as I enter into my second trimester (can you believe I'm already almost out of the first trimester!!!)... with Deacon, at least, I felt signfiicantly better around 12-13 weeks. But with Deacon I craved protein (and orange juice)...

Oh well, I really have very little room to complain. I'm feeling good otherwise and the baby is doing well. Compared to some women who spend their days throwing up, I'm doing wonderfuly.

I've now lost a little over 6 lbs since we found out about the baby... When I first got pregnant I made a goal for myself not to go below 175- and I'm currently at 177.2. I'm hoping to not lose anymore weight than this, but I'm ok as long as I stay above 175. Once I hit that mark I'm really going to have to figure something out with my nutritionist... I don't think I need to lose much more weight than this.

Well that's all for now- check out my other blog for pictures of the little baby... http://365amanda.blogspot.com

Some updates

Things are going well on my end... I'm a touch nauseous from time to time and that's really prohibitive when it comes to eating. The problem isn't so much that I don't *want* to eat it's just that I can't find anything that sounds good. My "typical" meals aren't sounding very good and most of the time I just want to eat a PB&J sandwich. I'm keeping up with my protein drinks- but even those are getting gross to me... I just ordered a bunch of new ones and I'm hoping that helps significantly.

I've lost about 3 lbs since I found out about the baby... which is pretty good I think. I'm not trying to lose weight, so 3 lbs seems like a low enough number to me. I'm really trying hard to keep up with the 2000 calorie a day diet- and I'm hoping that now that we're home from vacation that will be a bit easier- there was lots of food to chose from while in Ohio, but I was so busy I could never keep up with the calorie count.

All in all things are going well. I feel the same as I did with Deacon- exhausted and motion sick. It's all fine with me as long as we're all healthy.