Fat

It's how I feel. Fat. My stomach is sticking out and it's flabby. I haven't been to the gym in about 2 months. I have no energy ever and I'm eating shitty foods with minimal traces of protein all day long. But the worst part is that I just feel fat. The scale is officially done going down I think... I know I said I didn't want it to go down anymore, but it's a really hard realization for me that it is officially going to stand still or even start going up soon. I know it's going to be really hard for me to see the 180's again and God forbid I end up seeing the 190's... I don't want to be that close to 200 again. I've worked so hard to get where I am and as stupid as it sounds, those high numbers literally scare me. They scare me because under non-pregnancy circumstances the raising numbers mean failure... and I know I'm not a failure, but I'm terrified that once those numbers go up they won't come back down. The worst part is that I'm at that annoying pregnancy stage where I just look fatter around the middle. I don't look pregnant... thankfully everyone who knows me knows that I'm pregnant- or else they would be wondering how many brownies I've been letting myself eat lately. Those who don't know me probably just think I have a beer belly.

The nausea is subsiding ever so slightly, but the past couple of days I've just felt really weak with a headache and tummy issues... it's not the same as the morning sickness nausea though. I really think it's a sign that I *need* to start finding a way to eat healthier and live a healthier day to day lifestyle.

More than anything I do need to force myself to get more protein and calories in because I start going back to the gym on Tuesday. I'm not pushing myself... if I feel sick, I'll stop. Lord knows on a day like today I wouldn't have eaten enough calories to allow myself more than a 5 minute workout.

Anyways, I'm just having a huge pity party for myself and my growing belly tonight...