No more scale for me...

I'm finding myself way too upset about the rising numbers... so I'm done with the scale. I'm going to ask that my nurses and doctor not share with my my rising numbers as well. It just upsets me and I start to panic about whether or not I'm normal or whether or not I'm a complete failure in regards to my surgery. It's not worth it.

I started this pregnancy at 186... I got down to 174.6... today I was 185.6- which sent shock waves through my system. So I've gained 11 pounds in like 2 months???!!! Seriously? I've still got 4 months to go, and they say you gain the most at the end!!!

It's so insane to me because I was SO much heavier during my first pregnancy and I didn't care at all about weight gain... I don't even know how much I gained- it was a lot and way too much, but I didn't care.

I wish I had more to report... or more positives to report- but this is the hard part for me. I also know I need to start working on my eating habits. Maybe I wouldn't be gaining as much if I ate healthier. I just feel so stupid for letting myself get into some of these bad habits- but many of them were started because I was so nauseous and needed to eat anything my stomach could handle. Now I don't have that kind of excuse- now I'm just eating it because it's hard to give it up. Food is like crack- it's an addiction. And these addictions never fully go away- it's why recovering alcoholics can't have "just one drink"- because it's never just one... recovering food addicts should never do what I have done and start in on just one or two bad habits again (carbs and diet soda for instance)- granted, many of these bad habits are hardly at the level they used to be... they're quite manageable- but who's to say they'll stay that way? I mean, I got fat for a reason- my inability to control myself.

I think I need a therapist...