2 months...

I cannot believe it's been over two months. Seriously it amazes me. Life has gotten so much easier over the past month- and I feel somewhat normal most of the time.

Yesterday Oprah did a show on teens and weight loss surgery. Oprah is clearly against having surgery of any kind to treat obesity- and that frustrates me to no end. In every single show she does about WLS (weight loss surgery) she talks about all the negatives- and doesn't focus on the positives. Now, I am all for telling people like it is- I have no problems telling people what sucks about this surgery, what I don't like about this surgery, etc... However, I feel that is important that we include the whole picture in our story telling. Not all WLS patients suffer from addiction transfer (transferring food addiction to another addiction- like alcohol). Oprah also seems to think that all WLS patients forgo a psychological evaluation and ignore any and all psychological issues that caused them to get fat in the first place- but she seems to always ignore this with people who lose weight "on their own" (as if they miraculously are healed of all psychological issues because they did not have surgery). And that's another grievance... the implication that those who have WLS are not doing it "on their own," or are taking the "easy way out." Nothing bothers me more than those two statements... as if this surgery is doing all the work for me. As if I get up in the morning and my food choices are miraculously made for me because I have had this surgery. Last I checked this surgery didn't come with a live-in cook and nutritionist- or maybe my insurance just sucks.

Anyways, I could go on and on about Oprah and her misinformed views on WLS... but I won't.

So back to me...

On Oprah her cameras followed around a boy (17 years old) having WLS- and the cameras were there on him when he woke up from recovery. For some reason that picture of him laying there really touched me. I was instantly taken back to the first moments I remember after waking up in the hospital. I thought to myself, "oh my gosh, I really did it..." And then I thanked God for letting me live... and then I thought again, "oh my gosh, I really did it." I never, in a million years, thought I would follow through with it. The entire time I was preparing for the surgery I kept telling myself that it wasn't too late to back out- even the morning of my surgery I was thinking about saying, "No thanks." I woke up from that surgery terrified... I had really done it. I woke up really sick and I'm sure that didn't help my feelings of panic. The nurse had to constantly remind me to breath and I hurt... but I was just so thankful to be alive. All I remember was how nauseas and tired I was... so nauseas.

The first week was the hardest- I went through a huge carb withdraw. I was miserable. I should have detoxed myself from carbs well before this surgery. I remember the first week I would just be so upset when my mom, Damien and Deacon would eat around me... I was so "hungry"- at least I thought I was. Thankfully that first month flew by and things got easier day by day.

This second month has been all about perfecting my routine... learning when I should drink my protein, knowing how much protein I need to feel my best, what foods my body likes best, etc... I am no longer as obsessed with what I can't have anymore. I sure do miss certain foods/drinks, but honestly it doesn't overcome me like it did the first month. I'm at a point now where I know that in due time I can have a taste of whatever I want... and I'm also at a point where I realize that there is much more to life than food.

I'm getting boring...

I know I don't post as much as I used to... I'm not even sure who reads this anymore anyways, so most of the time I assume I've updated everyone as to how I'm doing. But then I remember that I have a bunch of online friends and friends who I don't talk to as much that do read this, so I then I feel bad and get back on here :)

I am still struggling with the absence of carbs and sweets from my diet. It's not a big of a deal as it used to be, but I long for the day that I can eat "normal" again- but then I smack myself back into reality... this IS the new normal for me. No more meals consisting entirely of carbs, no more pints of Ben and Jerry's, no more making a cake just for the fun of it. That was the old way of life... and it was so unhealthy- and it was the exact reason why I had this surgery in the first place. Yes, I can eat some carbs and indulge every now and then if I wanted to- but I need to be so careful. I know myself... and allowing myself to eat a little pasta is like opening the flood gates- same goes with dessert type foods. One little piece of cake turns into eating half the cake in one sitting. I love cake (what fat girl doesn't love cake?).

I remember the first week after my surgery... I was so upset about not being able to eat a freaking cracker. Oh my gosh I was devastated. I'm not that bad anymore. I have had a few crackers, but because they really settle my upset stomach. But my body really has adjusted to the no carb lifestyle... the detox was rough, but worth it.

I go back to work tomorrow... I'm a bit nervous- I've really enjoyed being home for the past month. But it's time to get life back to normal... and life certainly isn't normal when I'm at home napping (even though that does sound fabulous). I know that I need to stay focussed on my goals when I'm at work and work hard at making sure I have enough healthy snacks. I've got my protein drinks packed and my lunch made. I'm set for tomorrow at least.

My weight loss stall has ended, but the scale is moving much slower than it did the first week or so! I guess that's pretty normal though ;-) Not like I should be losing 15 a week- would be nice though, LOL.

I'm off to bed... I need a good nights sleep... I haven't woken up so early and had to be functional at the same time in over a month!!! Yikes!

Oh yeah...

I'm also semi-convinced that I might be addicted to my pain meds... the only way I get a good nights sleep is if I take half a dose of my pain med. Seriously- knocks me out and I sleep great. I started freaking out about it the other night so I lessened the dose- which was fine. And the next night I tried not to take it- and I could not sleep. I get anxious thinking about going to sleep without this drug.

I seriously have a phobia of becoming addicted to drugs... I've always been this way, so my fear is nothing new. But I just wanted to share.

Oh hindsight...

In hindsight...
- I should not have worried about the IV... even though I did have a few traumatic events surrounding the IV, it was rather unnoticeable MOST of the time.
- I should not have worried about the drain... sure, it was kinda gross, but I was way too drugged to care.
- I should have worried more about the catheter... that was awful.
- I should have never worried about gas pains... I had NONE. Who would have guessed?
- I should have worried more about protein... the shit is AWFUL. The only one I like is the Slim Fast, which doesn't have enough protein in a small amount. The stuff that I should be drinking makes me gag. Lovely.
- I should have gone on a low carb diet MONTHS ago, and then eliminated carbs completely a week or two before my surgery. Had I done this, my cravings would be a lot less. Thankfully they're going away.

Anyways, that's hindsight for ya! I'm doing really well and am SO excited about the next stage of my diet. I've been online looking up recipes that are good for the pureed stage of my diet and there are a TON. I thought I was going to be living off of scrambled eggs, string cheese and cottage cheese for the next few weeks. I was SO wrong. I am the most excited about chili and this cream of cauliflower soup I found. YUM. Sure, I can only have a few tablespoons, but when you've been only eating liquids for a week or so, you take what you can get!

Oh, and seriously, this protein SUCKS. I gag just thinking about it. Everything is SO thick and sweet- and not the good kind of sweet, gross sweet. My current method of consuming it, is fondly called the "hold your nose and chug" method.

My support group last night was really nice... it's run by the nurse practitioner/dietitian. It was a nice chance to get out, and I'm excited to do it once a month.

"You feel better mommy?"

Deacon asked me this morning, tearfully, "You feel better mommy?" I said, "no honey, mommy still has some boo-boo's." He started crying really hard and saying, "I'm scared mommy." Oh my God my heart still hurts.

Him being in my room and moving all around the bed and kicking me was making me so sick- and despite my huge heartache from him telling me that he's scared, I asked if Damien could bribe him into going downstairs. Thankfully Deacon wasn't upset enough that Mickey couldn't make things all better.

Next time he asks me if I feel better I will say "yes" no matter what... I am not above lying to my child.

Blahs

I was seriously hoping that I would be so turned off by food after my surgery... but I'm not. And, surprise surprise, food is everywhere. Seriously, everywhere. Every billboard on the way home, every street corner there's a restaurant, etc... Food food food!!! I'm NOT hungry- in fact, the thought of eating makes me nauseas. But mentally, I want FOOD. I don't want liquids, I want food.

I'm hoping this goes away soon... the worst part about this whole ordeal has been my psychological issues with food. It just goes to show that this surgery cannot fix someone who isn't trying to fix themselves. There is NO way I succeed after this surgery without seeking help for my psychological issues. I need to come to the realization that food is not life. I do not need food to have fun, or to stay entertained. Nor do I need food to feel ok.

This clear liquid diet only lasts until next Wednesday... and then I move to pureed foods (i.e. eggs, cottage cheese, applesauce, etc...). Until then I hope to keep myself busy and get plenty of sleep.

Updates... and some last minute thoughts

After my surgery tomorrow, Damien will be updating this blog, along with sending e-mails to a few people. I will get on here as soon as I can- but it probably won't happen until Tuesday sometime.

My surgery is tomorrow (wow) at approximately 10:30 am and should last about an hour or so. I have to be at the hospital by 8 am.

Please keep me in your prayers and positive thoughts. I know my blog has been somewhat negative over the past few months, but I am so excited about this journey I am about to take. My dream is to get healthy and to be able to live my life to the fullest- this surgery is a tool that will help me live that dream. Right now, all that matters is that I wake up from this surgery and take things one day at a time- at first it will probably be more like one minute at a time. I know this sounds so dramatic, but at this moment, my number one fear is not waking up from this surgery. I'll take the IV's, catheters, drains, protein shakes, gas pains, laxatives, etc... just let me wake up and see my baby and husband again.

Nothing in life is a given. Nothing. There is absolutely no guarantee that everything will be fine- so please do not tell me that "everything will be fine." I know that 99% of people will wake up and live full lives after this surgery, but I am still scared of that 1%.

The past few days have been surreal to me... and I've been reflecting on that a lot. Food has always been such a big part of my life- and starting tomorrow (really, today), food will no longer play a major role in my day to day life. Food will no longer be how I celebrate, mourn or cure boredom. Sure- I will be able to use food to do all these things someday, but not how I do now. Food to me is huge. Food is such a part of my life that I've honestly been sitting here wondering what I'm going to do with myself when I can't eat. There are so many other things to do in life other than eat... and I'm about to learn what these things are. I don't want my son to grow up thinking about food the way I do- and I hope this process starts us all off in the right direction.

This will be my last post prior to surgery... I can't wait to get back on here and update on how I'm doing. For now I'm going to go enjoy the rest of my day.

One week away...

Wow. One week.

For so many years (3 to be exact), I have been thinking about having this surgery. I've been thinking about it for so long, and it still does not seem real to me that in one week I will have the surgery. One week from now I will be laying in my hospital bed with a significantly smaller stomach... my life will be so different one week from today.

I keep thinking about waking up after the surgery... how is that going to feel? It will be such a huge lifestyle change that I truly cannot fathom how my life will be after this surgery. But right now I just cannot even begin to imagine how I am going to feel when I wake up one week from today.

It just doesn't seem real. This is something I've wanted for so long, and now that I'm about to have it, I'm terrified... a month or so ago I was so excited. I was excited because the surgery was so far away- I had so much time to think about the "what if's" and so much time to enjoy food. As I sit here in bed, one week from my surgery, I cannot stop thinking about the "what if's."

Funny thing is that I know that I'm doing the right thing... I'm just scared.

Catheters, IV's and Drains, OH MY!

Um, so I'm no longer concerned about the protein shakes or the gas. In fact, I'm looking forward to those 2 things now.

I had my pre-op with my doctor today. First I met with the NP who asked if I had any questions. I did, in fact- 11 to be exact. After answering my questions she went on to talk to me about surgery... and I'm not sure how we got on the subject, but I quickly learned that I would be facing my worst fears for the 3 days I am in the hospital.

Fear #1- Catheters. I'm not too concerned about this one because it comes out the morning after my surgery, thank God. Hopefully I'll be so drugged and tired that I won't care about it that first night.

Fear #2- IV's. Anyone who knows me at all knows I have a huge phobia of needles and IV's. When I was in labor I was not worried about contractions, I was worried about the IV and epidural. I have serious issues with IV's. I have been known to throw up and nearly pass out when I have an IV put in. The worst part? It stays in until I'm discharged. Oh.My.God. I'm in a panic already. Seriously.

Fear #3- Drains. Now, the drain seems minimal after talking about the IV... but it's still on my shit list. It's a little drain that comes from my stomach, and thankfully gets removed the day I go home from the hospital.

Now, I do realize that all these things are for my health and safety. Duh. When I told the NP how upset I was, she looked at me like I was crazy. She gets the weirdest complaints and concerns, and she told me that this was new. WTF? Are you telling me that I'm the only weirdo that hates catheters, IV's and drains? Well, if I am, good for all of you braver than me. I'll take a nasty, grainy protein shake made for muscle builders any day over catheters, IV's and drains.

After my brief panic attack with the NP, Dr. Machado came in... she was a little more kind when I told her about my fears. It's not like the NP wasn't nice, she was just confused, I think. Anyways, Dr. Machado was super sweet, and reminded me that I could handle 3 days with an IV, 2 days with a drain and 1 day with a catheter.

Maybe she's right. Either way, I think I should bring this up to my therapist next week.

oh, by the way- less than 2 weeks to go!!!

I'm a big baby...

My current fear- the liquid stage of my diet which will last approximately one week. During this stage I need to drink at least 60g of protein a day. I can't drink that much liquid, so I need to get the most bang for my buck... today I purchased this protein powder stuff from GNC. The guy who I bought it from must have thought I was crazy, because I think most people who buy this stuff are pretty fit. I haven't gotten enough nerve to taste the stuff yet. I'll keep you posted.

Another fear- the gas. No, not that type of gas, the type of gas that you get after surgery... the gassy-ness that just moves around your body and makes you insanely uncomfortable. A good friend of mine just had this surgery (a laparoscopy, not GBS) and for a good week or so the gas made her miserable.

So there you have it... liquid diets and gas are my biggest concerns right now. I'm assuming the list will continue to grow.

Surgery is in 2 weeks and 1 day. 2 weeks from today I need to start my liquid diet. So in one week and 6 days I am going out for a NICE dinner at the Melting Pot.

Scared

I woke up in the middle of the night with the awful thought of something going wrong... and I got scared. I know my chances are slim, but what if something happens to me? It terrifies me. This whole time, Damien has been the one concerned... and I've been the one who has convinced him that I'll be fine. But I can't be sure, and that scares me.

And then I realized that this whole time this surgery hasn't seemed real to me... it hasn't hit me. I think in the back of my mind I kept saying that I could back out if I wanted to. But I'm not backing out, and I think I'm starting to realize this. I don't think I'm making sense now that I'm typing this. I still can't believe I'm doing it... and I'm not sure when it's going to be more real to me. Maybe when I wake up from surgery?

Some random thoughts...

Wow, a little over 3 weeks to go. I'm really taking advantage of the next few weeks and preparing a lot of my favorite foods... I'm also trying to do this and NOT go crazy. One rule that my doctor has is that I cannot GAIN any weight... if I do, she postpones the surgery. I've actually lost 10 since I started the process, so I think I'm ok. I figure the more I lose now, the better off I'll be after the surgery. Everytime I eat something sugary or drink a soda I think how in 3 weeks I won't be able to do that anymore.

This has me thinking... my entire life I have overeaten, or eaten the wrong kinds of foods. Food is a big thing in my life- it's how I celebrate, it's how I drown my sorrows. As I stated a while ago- I need to find a new hobby.

I was at the mall yesterday getting my eyebrows waxed (and this lady did an amazing job, by the way) and I stopped by Lane Bryant... it's a habit. I thought about how in a few months I won't have to shop there- I'll have choices. It's something I am SO excited about... I can hardly stand it.

On a completely different note, a friend of mine had surgery a couple days ago... and her recovery is reminding me how miserable I felt after my laparoscopy that I had in 2003. Gastric Bypass is done laparoscopically (sp?), so I'll have a similar recovery. Not only will I be in pain from the G.B., I'll have those awful gas pains... oh my gosh I remember those way too vividly and am so dreading them. Hopefully I'll just get some really good pains meds and hope for the best... watching funny movies is out too- my God that hurt to laugh after surgery.

That's all for now... Deacon is so crabby today, and I am starting to worry about how he's going to do when I'm in the hospital :(

Proud

I am so proud of myself. I have been putting off telling one certain person about my surgery. This person has expressed her uncertainty about the surgery to me in the past- which made me really nervous to tell her that I was going to go ahead with it.

I am such a people pleaser... I have always been this way. I have been so worried about telling her because I didn't want her to think less of me. No one likes to feel judged, but I really hate the thought that someone isn't happy with a decision I've made. But I've been thinking about this a lot lately- why should I feel nervous about telling her that I'm having surgery? Shouldn't a close friend be proud of me for making this decision? Shouldn't a good friend know that I've done my research? Yes, a good friend should be supportive of decisions... however, a good friend should also feel like s/he can express concerns about these decisions. See, that's the thing, I want my friends to be able to let me know their concerns... In fact, I have a completely different friend who, from the beginning, has been 100% supportive, but has also expressed a lot of concern about the surgery. It really helps put things into perspective when someone gives an alternate opinion, and I value it. However, what I find difficult to deal with is when someone says how opposed they are of the surgery and leaves it at that- then I get nervous about telling them.

I think I'm rambling.

Anyways, I finally told my friend last night. I've been putting it off, and I finally just did it. And it went GREAT. We had a good conversation about it, and she's asked some great questions. She said she's really nervous about me doing the surgery, but knows I'm not going to do something unsafe.

Now if only I could work up the courage to tell everyone else...

Nerves are kicking in...

I still haven't really gone public with my surgery yet... I've told a few people, but certainly not everyone.  Tonight I started to wonder why I even NEED to tell anyone.  But then I think that if a friend of mine was doing this surgery and didn't tell me, I would be hurt.  I guess I'm just a little embarrassed that I need this surgery.  I try my hardest to draw attention away from the fact that I am so overweight... and by telling people I'm having gastric bypass surgery, I'm ultimately saying, "Hey, I'm SO overweight that I need surgery."  

I'm also starting to get nervous.  Food has always been such a big part of my life... it's comfort to me.  I'm not worried about something going wrong- I have complete confidence in my doctor- she's amazing.  I don't have as much confidence in myself.  I am terrified that I'm going to mess this up.  I'm terrified that I'm going to be miserable and hungry.  But I'm also terrified of NOT doing this surgery.  I'm pre-diabetic, I can't comfortably ride on an airplane (ok, I know no one is "comfortable" on an airplane, but I can't fit in a seat very well), and I get out of breath so easily when I play with Deacon.  

I'm nervous about day to day life after this surgery... Like I said, I eat for comfort, but I also eat to alleviate boredom.  Damien asked if I talked to my therapist about this... of course I haven't- because I know his answer.  I need to find a hobby- something to occupy myself... something to take the place of food.  This is all psychological... it's not just about finding a new hobby, it's about mentally being able to replace food with something else.  If this were that easy, I wouldn't be heavy right now, right?  

One month from today and I will be one day post surgery.  Wow.  

We have a date...

December 3, 2007. The first day of the rest of my life... is that dramatic sounding enough? Hope so.

I'm really nervous about this blog... when I make it go public, I will essentially be announcing to the world (well, ok, my friends and family...) that I'm so fat that I am resorting to Gastric Bypass Surgery. I think that's my biggest problem with this surgery. For so long I've been in this peaceful state of denial about my weight... sure, I know I'm overweight. What was my first clue? Hmmm... not fitting on airplane seats properly, only being able to shop at Lane Bryant, the weird looks from people- do I need to go on?

Let me get this straight- this surgery is NOT the easy way out. I'll just put it out in the open for you all to read. I did not choose this surgery as a cop out, or a way to do it "quick." This surgery is a tool for me. It is just the beginning. I refuse to do this surgery and let it do all the work for me. I am going to continue my work with my personal trainer and I will continue to seek dietary guidance. My issues are with food, and I recognize this- this surgery cannot heal something psychological. If I let the surgery do all the work while I sit back and try to resort back to my old habits I will fail... this surgery will have been pointless, because over the years I will be back to where I am now. Plus, if I don't do what I'm told I'll get incredibly sick and lose my hair- definitely not the look I'm going for this season.

All I ask is that if you are reading this blog, you are supportive. I am not asking for you to understand what I'm going through. I just need for you to be here for me when I need you. I need for you to ask questions when you don't understand something. Ask me anything- I promise I will answer you.

Most of all, I ask that you KNOW that I have done my research... I am not going into this blindly.