Protein

I have been drinking these damned protein shakes as religiously as I can handle... and it's starting to get old. Real fast. I drink one in the morning when I first get to work, and then later in the afternoon I make another one while I'm at work... and of course as I'm making it, I get these stupid comments like, "Making margaritas?" (the drink is pink and needs to be shaken)

It's not really an option though... I really don't want my hair to fall out and I don't want to look funny and saggy once I lose all this weight.

Stupid f'ing protein.

Goals

I'm done making unobtainable goals. In fact, I am starting to cringe when I hear people say things like, "I'm going to do (insert activity here) for (insert length)"- because, in my opinion, you are just setting yourself up to fail. Because there will be times when you cannot get to that activity for that amount of time... and what happens that first, second or third time?- you get discouraged. I am done being discouraged. Being discouraged leads to failure- especially for those of us dealing with this weight loss journey. We beat ourselves up way too much for the littlest set backs. So why not stop setting these goals we might not reach, or goals we might not be able to maintain... and start making goals we CAN follow.

Instead of saying, "I will exercise 5 days a week for 60 minutes each day," say something like, "I am going to exercise more during the week," or, "I will push my exercise limits and try new things." Schedule time into your schedule to go to the gym 5 days a week... but understand that sometimes it is not possible- and be ok with that!!!

As the minister of my church talked about last week- at no other time in life do we quit something because we've had a set-back. At work, if you've had a setback or you've made a mistake, do you walk out and quit? Or do you quietly (or loudly) cuss out the computer screen and move on with your daily grind?

In my old life (pre-surgery) I used to always give up on diets when I would originally fail... one little candy bar, or snack would cause me to stop eating healthy all together? Why? Because I convinced myself that one slip up meant I had no will-power. My God, how many times did I tell myself I had no will-power? Hundreds. And of course I had no will-power- I convinced myself that I didn't have any!!! There was no reason to try again... because I already set myself up to fail.

Anyways, I say all this because I'm in the process of evaluating my goals for 2008 and have been thinking about this a lot lately. Once I get everything situated and written down I'll share my goals and hopes for this year...

I'm getting boring...

I know I don't post as much as I used to... I'm not even sure who reads this anymore anyways, so most of the time I assume I've updated everyone as to how I'm doing. But then I remember that I have a bunch of online friends and friends who I don't talk to as much that do read this, so I then I feel bad and get back on here :)

I am still struggling with the absence of carbs and sweets from my diet. It's not a big of a deal as it used to be, but I long for the day that I can eat "normal" again- but then I smack myself back into reality... this IS the new normal for me. No more meals consisting entirely of carbs, no more pints of Ben and Jerry's, no more making a cake just for the fun of it. That was the old way of life... and it was so unhealthy- and it was the exact reason why I had this surgery in the first place. Yes, I can eat some carbs and indulge every now and then if I wanted to- but I need to be so careful. I know myself... and allowing myself to eat a little pasta is like opening the flood gates- same goes with dessert type foods. One little piece of cake turns into eating half the cake in one sitting. I love cake (what fat girl doesn't love cake?).

I remember the first week after my surgery... I was so upset about not being able to eat a freaking cracker. Oh my gosh I was devastated. I'm not that bad anymore. I have had a few crackers, but because they really settle my upset stomach. But my body really has adjusted to the no carb lifestyle... the detox was rough, but worth it.

I go back to work tomorrow... I'm a bit nervous- I've really enjoyed being home for the past month. But it's time to get life back to normal... and life certainly isn't normal when I'm at home napping (even though that does sound fabulous). I know that I need to stay focussed on my goals when I'm at work and work hard at making sure I have enough healthy snacks. I've got my protein drinks packed and my lunch made. I'm set for tomorrow at least.

My weight loss stall has ended, but the scale is moving much slower than it did the first week or so! I guess that's pretty normal though ;-) Not like I should be losing 15 a week- would be nice though, LOL.

I'm off to bed... I need a good nights sleep... I haven't woken up so early and had to be functional at the same time in over a month!!! Yikes!

Joe's Crab Shack

Last night my family and I went to Joe's Crab Shack. It was heavenly. I ordered so much food because I couldn't decide what I wanted to eat... I am so thankful my parents and husband are so supportive and let me spend $17 on a meal that I only took a few bites of!!! I ordered chicken tortilla soup and blackened tillapia. Damien ordered King Crab. I ate a few bites of my meal and some of Damien's- it was delicious.

More than anything it was so nice to feel like I was eating a normal meal... the other day when we went out to eat I just ordered soup and it didn't feel like I was really eating out. But when I got to order a full meal I just felt so normal!!! It was really nice.

I guess one good thing about ordering so much is that I have so much left to eat the next few days :)

Random update

I need to add exercise to my routine... stat. I'm still in somewhat of a stand still and I'm sick of it. So I'm thinking if I add exercise to my daily routine, it will help. So far I've just been doing walking- but I'm pretty sure I can handle more than that.

I'm still getting tired easily- but I'm thinking exercise might help with that too. I'm doing really well with foods and I'm starting to find out what my new tummy can and cannot handle. It's actually amazing to me how little I eat before I am stuffed- and it amazes me that my brain still has not caught on to this. Every single time I prepare a meal I make more than my allotted 4 Tablespoons... and every single time I can only stomach about 3 Tablespoons (sometimes 4). My current favorite is mashed potatoes mixed with cottage cheese (this was also a favorite pre-surgery).

I'm also starting to enjoy my protein drinks a bit more... this does not mean I *like* them, it just means I can handle them a lot better. Thank God!!! My favorite brand makes two different flavors- grape and orange (well, they also make fruit punch, but I hate fruit punch). What's really interesting to me is that my stomach can only handle the grape flavor. Every time I try the orange I get really sick! Weird.

I have my good and bad days. Our anniversary was a few days ago and I was miserable. We're trying to save money so we just went to a movie... but I so badly wanted to go to dinner and a movie. And when we got to the movie I was just depressed that I couldn't eat any popcorn. There are very few things to do in Sacramento on a Thursday night that don't cost money and don't involve food. I now feel bad that I was so grumpy- but I guess I feel that it was justified... this is all so new to me and adjusting to this type of new lifestyle during celebratory times (i.e. Christmas, anniversaries, etc...) is 10 times harder.

Anyways, overall, things are good. I go back to work in a week- I'll certainly miss all the naps and sleeping in!!!

Oh yeah...

I'm also semi-convinced that I might be addicted to my pain meds... the only way I get a good nights sleep is if I take half a dose of my pain med. Seriously- knocks me out and I sleep great. I started freaking out about it the other night so I lessened the dose- which was fine. And the next night I tried not to take it- and I could not sleep. I get anxious thinking about going to sleep without this drug.

I seriously have a phobia of becoming addicted to drugs... I've always been this way, so my fear is nothing new. But I just wanted to share.

A stall...

I know it's normal... I've read about it and heard about it since I started this journey. In fact, I thought to myself, "I won't mind stalling out... I know it's normal." Well, I was wrong. It's pissing me off. That first week was amazing loosing so much weight so fast, and even the second week was good... but I've stayed at the same weight now for DAYS. I know, I know, I shouldn't care- because my body is in a state of shock and I *know* this is normal.

But, I'm at this point where I'm sitting here thinking, "was it worth it for THIS?" I can hardly eat anything and I'm so bored with my food choices- it just seems like things would have been easier losing weight on a diet.

Anyways, I know it was worth it... I'm just being emotional. It's Christmas and I've not eaten a single Christmas cookie. Sometimes I wonder if I should have just waited until January- because it's been hard this month. Everyone enjoying nice big dinners and desserts. Yum. But then I think- I'll be so close to being able to eat normal again starting in January. So that gives me something to look forward to.

It's funny because a few weeks ago I thought, "I will NOT complain once I get eat something." LOL. Yeah, that was before I spent days eating only tuna, scrambled eggs and some other random stuff. I'm trying to get creative... but you can only go so far.

Anyways, life IS good. I am so blessed to have done so well with the surgery. I am a healthy person who is on a journey to get even more healthy. I am learning that life does NOT revolve around food- and I'm teaching my family the same in the process. I'm so proud of them- my mom and my husband have both been eating so healthy since my surgery. And honestly- that's the goal of this surgery- not getting skinny, getting healthy.

So I can put up with pureed foods for a little bit longer. Less than 2 weeks to go.

Life with pureed foods...

... is not that bad. However, I will say it's gotten old real quick. There are not too many foods that are good pureed. Plus, I will NOT puree meat. Period. I am not eating baby food meat either. My big problem is that pre-surgery my diet largely consisted of carbs- and I keep having the temptation to puree some spaghetti... which would be an awful choice. Anyways- I just need to really start getting creative because my food is really restrictive for another 2 1/2 weeks. Honestly though, it's not been too bad- I really like eggs, cottage cheese, and tuna salad... but I can tell these things will get old fast. Things I don't like as much, but need to add to the repertoire- peanut butter and oatmeal. I can also do mashed potatoes- but should do them sparingly based on the fact that it's a carb.

I'm almost 2 weeks out and feel great. The healing has been pretty easy, but I do get tired easily. I'm moving on to the next stage soon which is adding exercise. Right now I can get up and walk a bit, but I haven't been pushing myself. I figured 2 weeks out is a good time to start pushing- obviously not going crazy.

Well I'm going back to bed. The idiot neighbors who woke me up (and kept me up long enough to inspire me to do a blog entry) seem to have quieted down a bit. I need to start doing these blogs during the day when I'm a bit more coherent.

It's all public...

I made the decision tonight to make my blog public... and not private anymore.

I'm doing this so more friends can read the blog without needing to get my official permission and also so people don't have to sign in to read.

I don't know why this makes me kind of nervous, but it does. I guess because this isn't just another fun loving blog like my photoblog...

Anyways, we'll see how it goes.

Oh hindsight...

In hindsight...
- I should not have worried about the IV... even though I did have a few traumatic events surrounding the IV, it was rather unnoticeable MOST of the time.
- I should not have worried about the drain... sure, it was kinda gross, but I was way too drugged to care.
- I should have worried more about the catheter... that was awful.
- I should have never worried about gas pains... I had NONE. Who would have guessed?
- I should have worried more about protein... the shit is AWFUL. The only one I like is the Slim Fast, which doesn't have enough protein in a small amount. The stuff that I should be drinking makes me gag. Lovely.
- I should have gone on a low carb diet MONTHS ago, and then eliminated carbs completely a week or two before my surgery. Had I done this, my cravings would be a lot less. Thankfully they're going away.

Anyways, that's hindsight for ya! I'm doing really well and am SO excited about the next stage of my diet. I've been online looking up recipes that are good for the pureed stage of my diet and there are a TON. I thought I was going to be living off of scrambled eggs, string cheese and cottage cheese for the next few weeks. I was SO wrong. I am the most excited about chili and this cream of cauliflower soup I found. YUM. Sure, I can only have a few tablespoons, but when you've been only eating liquids for a week or so, you take what you can get!

Oh, and seriously, this protein SUCKS. I gag just thinking about it. Everything is SO thick and sweet- and not the good kind of sweet, gross sweet. My current method of consuming it, is fondly called the "hold your nose and chug" method.

My support group last night was really nice... it's run by the nurse practitioner/dietitian. It was a nice chance to get out, and I'm excited to do it once a month.

Doing well

I've had a pretty good weekend... I'm amazed at how well I've felt since the surgery. Sure, I'm craving carbs pretty bad, but other than that, I feel great. I was expecting to be bed ridden, and I'm really not. I think I've overdone it, however, because today I've been feeling less than stellar- dizzy, exhausted, etc... I blame this on Deacon being home this weekend. When he's home I want to play with him- and he doesn't really think it's fun to play while laying down in bed. Go figure.

I have my first support group meeting (hosted by my surgeons office) tomorrow night... I'm really excited and hope that it's good. I know that there are plenty of support groups out there that suck, so hopefully this one is helpful and fun. It'll just be nice to be in the company of those who "get it."

Anyways, I took some pain meds a while ago and I don't know why I thought it would be a good idea to do a blog while drugged up and falling asleep- Thank God for spell check.

New addition to blog

If you look all the way down at the bottom of the page you can follow my weight loss progress. The starting weight is the day I went in for surgery.

Go figure...

I have felt like crap all day... so tonight I lay down when Deacon went to bed. Go figure- I felt better within 10 minutes of laying down. Then I realize I hadn't really rested all day. Sure, I took a nap in the middle of the day, but I should be laying down a lot more- not just sitting up.

Who would have thought a Slim Fast shake and laying down for an hour to watch Survivor would revitalize my spirit and make me feel a million times better.

Oh.My.God.

I'm in heaven. I've had a hard day with food... it's all mental. I'm certainly not really hungry... in fact, I'm pretty full from all the liquids. My good friend told me about the Slim Fast Low Carb shakes- 20 grams of protein, 1 gram of sugar... but I never went out and got them. I thought I would be fine without it- thought I would be fine just drinking water, jello, broth, etc... Well, needless to say, tonight, I sent Damien out to get me these shakes. I told him to go to every store in the Sacramento area until he found them. They weren't at the grocery store we normally go to, so I knew he would have to kind of search for them.

30 minutes after I sent him out, he came back home- SUCCESS!!! Unfortunately they weren't cold, so Damien put one in the freezer. Finally, a half hour later I got to try one. OH.MY.GOD. It was the best thing I have EVER tasted. Seriously amazing.

This is a REALLY good shake that has a ton of protein and very little sugar... if you're looking for a good protein drink, this is for you. The "high protein" version of slim fast doesn't have as much protein as the "low carb"- so watch out for that.

Maybe you won't want to take my advice since I am rather desperate for normal food... but for what it's worth, even Damien thought they were good.

"You feel better mommy?"

Deacon asked me this morning, tearfully, "You feel better mommy?" I said, "no honey, mommy still has some boo-boo's." He started crying really hard and saying, "I'm scared mommy." Oh my God my heart still hurts.

Him being in my room and moving all around the bed and kicking me was making me so sick- and despite my huge heartache from him telling me that he's scared, I asked if Damien could bribe him into going downstairs. Thankfully Deacon wasn't upset enough that Mickey couldn't make things all better.

Next time he asks me if I feel better I will say "yes" no matter what... I am not above lying to my child.