One week away...

Wow. One week.

For so many years (3 to be exact), I have been thinking about having this surgery. I've been thinking about it for so long, and it still does not seem real to me that in one week I will have the surgery. One week from now I will be laying in my hospital bed with a significantly smaller stomach... my life will be so different one week from today.

I keep thinking about waking up after the surgery... how is that going to feel? It will be such a huge lifestyle change that I truly cannot fathom how my life will be after this surgery. But right now I just cannot even begin to imagine how I am going to feel when I wake up one week from today.

It just doesn't seem real. This is something I've wanted for so long, and now that I'm about to have it, I'm terrified... a month or so ago I was so excited. I was excited because the surgery was so far away- I had so much time to think about the "what if's" and so much time to enjoy food. As I sit here in bed, one week from my surgery, I cannot stop thinking about the "what if's."

Funny thing is that I know that I'm doing the right thing... I'm just scared.

Catheters, IV's and Drains, OH MY!

Um, so I'm no longer concerned about the protein shakes or the gas. In fact, I'm looking forward to those 2 things now.

I had my pre-op with my doctor today. First I met with the NP who asked if I had any questions. I did, in fact- 11 to be exact. After answering my questions she went on to talk to me about surgery... and I'm not sure how we got on the subject, but I quickly learned that I would be facing my worst fears for the 3 days I am in the hospital.

Fear #1- Catheters. I'm not too concerned about this one because it comes out the morning after my surgery, thank God. Hopefully I'll be so drugged and tired that I won't care about it that first night.

Fear #2- IV's. Anyone who knows me at all knows I have a huge phobia of needles and IV's. When I was in labor I was not worried about contractions, I was worried about the IV and epidural. I have serious issues with IV's. I have been known to throw up and nearly pass out when I have an IV put in. The worst part? It stays in until I'm discharged. Oh.My.God. I'm in a panic already. Seriously.

Fear #3- Drains. Now, the drain seems minimal after talking about the IV... but it's still on my shit list. It's a little drain that comes from my stomach, and thankfully gets removed the day I go home from the hospital.

Now, I do realize that all these things are for my health and safety. Duh. When I told the NP how upset I was, she looked at me like I was crazy. She gets the weirdest complaints and concerns, and she told me that this was new. WTF? Are you telling me that I'm the only weirdo that hates catheters, IV's and drains? Well, if I am, good for all of you braver than me. I'll take a nasty, grainy protein shake made for muscle builders any day over catheters, IV's and drains.

After my brief panic attack with the NP, Dr. Machado came in... she was a little more kind when I told her about my fears. It's not like the NP wasn't nice, she was just confused, I think. Anyways, Dr. Machado was super sweet, and reminded me that I could handle 3 days with an IV, 2 days with a drain and 1 day with a catheter.

Maybe she's right. Either way, I think I should bring this up to my therapist next week.

oh, by the way- less than 2 weeks to go!!!

I'm a big baby...

My current fear- the liquid stage of my diet which will last approximately one week. During this stage I need to drink at least 60g of protein a day. I can't drink that much liquid, so I need to get the most bang for my buck... today I purchased this protein powder stuff from GNC. The guy who I bought it from must have thought I was crazy, because I think most people who buy this stuff are pretty fit. I haven't gotten enough nerve to taste the stuff yet. I'll keep you posted.

Another fear- the gas. No, not that type of gas, the type of gas that you get after surgery... the gassy-ness that just moves around your body and makes you insanely uncomfortable. A good friend of mine just had this surgery (a laparoscopy, not GBS) and for a good week or so the gas made her miserable.

So there you have it... liquid diets and gas are my biggest concerns right now. I'm assuming the list will continue to grow.

Surgery is in 2 weeks and 1 day. 2 weeks from today I need to start my liquid diet. So in one week and 6 days I am going out for a NICE dinner at the Melting Pot.

Scared

I woke up in the middle of the night with the awful thought of something going wrong... and I got scared. I know my chances are slim, but what if something happens to me? It terrifies me. This whole time, Damien has been the one concerned... and I've been the one who has convinced him that I'll be fine. But I can't be sure, and that scares me.

And then I realized that this whole time this surgery hasn't seemed real to me... it hasn't hit me. I think in the back of my mind I kept saying that I could back out if I wanted to. But I'm not backing out, and I think I'm starting to realize this. I don't think I'm making sense now that I'm typing this. I still can't believe I'm doing it... and I'm not sure when it's going to be more real to me. Maybe when I wake up from surgery?

Some random thoughts...

Wow, a little over 3 weeks to go. I'm really taking advantage of the next few weeks and preparing a lot of my favorite foods... I'm also trying to do this and NOT go crazy. One rule that my doctor has is that I cannot GAIN any weight... if I do, she postpones the surgery. I've actually lost 10 since I started the process, so I think I'm ok. I figure the more I lose now, the better off I'll be after the surgery. Everytime I eat something sugary or drink a soda I think how in 3 weeks I won't be able to do that anymore.

This has me thinking... my entire life I have overeaten, or eaten the wrong kinds of foods. Food is a big thing in my life- it's how I celebrate, it's how I drown my sorrows. As I stated a while ago- I need to find a new hobby.

I was at the mall yesterday getting my eyebrows waxed (and this lady did an amazing job, by the way) and I stopped by Lane Bryant... it's a habit. I thought about how in a few months I won't have to shop there- I'll have choices. It's something I am SO excited about... I can hardly stand it.

On a completely different note, a friend of mine had surgery a couple days ago... and her recovery is reminding me how miserable I felt after my laparoscopy that I had in 2003. Gastric Bypass is done laparoscopically (sp?), so I'll have a similar recovery. Not only will I be in pain from the G.B., I'll have those awful gas pains... oh my gosh I remember those way too vividly and am so dreading them. Hopefully I'll just get some really good pains meds and hope for the best... watching funny movies is out too- my God that hurt to laugh after surgery.

That's all for now... Deacon is so crabby today, and I am starting to worry about how he's going to do when I'm in the hospital :(

Proud

I am so proud of myself. I have been putting off telling one certain person about my surgery. This person has expressed her uncertainty about the surgery to me in the past- which made me really nervous to tell her that I was going to go ahead with it.

I am such a people pleaser... I have always been this way. I have been so worried about telling her because I didn't want her to think less of me. No one likes to feel judged, but I really hate the thought that someone isn't happy with a decision I've made. But I've been thinking about this a lot lately- why should I feel nervous about telling her that I'm having surgery? Shouldn't a close friend be proud of me for making this decision? Shouldn't a good friend know that I've done my research? Yes, a good friend should be supportive of decisions... however, a good friend should also feel like s/he can express concerns about these decisions. See, that's the thing, I want my friends to be able to let me know their concerns... In fact, I have a completely different friend who, from the beginning, has been 100% supportive, but has also expressed a lot of concern about the surgery. It really helps put things into perspective when someone gives an alternate opinion, and I value it. However, what I find difficult to deal with is when someone says how opposed they are of the surgery and leaves it at that- then I get nervous about telling them.

I think I'm rambling.

Anyways, I finally told my friend last night. I've been putting it off, and I finally just did it. And it went GREAT. We had a good conversation about it, and she's asked some great questions. She said she's really nervous about me doing the surgery, but knows I'm not going to do something unsafe.

Now if only I could work up the courage to tell everyone else...

"Hey girl, you are beautiful"

The name of my blog was made after hearing the song, "Big Girls (you are beautiful)." This song is absolutely the best song out right now. My favorite line of this song is, "Hey girl, you are beautiful." The guy who sings it is Mika... check him out- he's great.

I was watching America's Next Top Model a couple of weeks ago... I am obsessed with this show. The girls on this show are so skinny and absolutely beautiful. I would die to look like ANY of them. But I watch this show and they are all so self conscious. How can you be self conscious when you are that gorgeous and skinny? I have this thought a lot too when I'm talking to my skinny friends... I don't get how you can be unhappy with your weight when you are able to shop at "normal" stores. How can you be unhappy when people don't stare at you because of your weight?

And then it hit me. This surgery will make me skinny and healthy- but it won't make me happy. I can make me happy.

Nerves are kicking in...

I still haven't really gone public with my surgery yet... I've told a few people, but certainly not everyone.  Tonight I started to wonder why I even NEED to tell anyone.  But then I think that if a friend of mine was doing this surgery and didn't tell me, I would be hurt.  I guess I'm just a little embarrassed that I need this surgery.  I try my hardest to draw attention away from the fact that I am so overweight... and by telling people I'm having gastric bypass surgery, I'm ultimately saying, "Hey, I'm SO overweight that I need surgery."  

I'm also starting to get nervous.  Food has always been such a big part of my life... it's comfort to me.  I'm not worried about something going wrong- I have complete confidence in my doctor- she's amazing.  I don't have as much confidence in myself.  I am terrified that I'm going to mess this up.  I'm terrified that I'm going to be miserable and hungry.  But I'm also terrified of NOT doing this surgery.  I'm pre-diabetic, I can't comfortably ride on an airplane (ok, I know no one is "comfortable" on an airplane, but I can't fit in a seat very well), and I get out of breath so easily when I play with Deacon.  

I'm nervous about day to day life after this surgery... Like I said, I eat for comfort, but I also eat to alleviate boredom.  Damien asked if I talked to my therapist about this... of course I haven't- because I know his answer.  I need to find a hobby- something to occupy myself... something to take the place of food.  This is all psychological... it's not just about finding a new hobby, it's about mentally being able to replace food with something else.  If this were that easy, I wouldn't be heavy right now, right?  

One month from today and I will be one day post surgery.  Wow.